I Believe

I Believe

            Life is hard. We all know this, and we all try to get through it with a smile on our face. We are constantly striving for success and often money is the motive. This world is so materialistic, and the majority of people in society are self-centered. There is some good, but the bad overrides the good. This world is such a broken place. We are constantly searching for things to make us happy. When we find them, we are blind to the fact that this “filler” is only going to bring us temporary fulfillment if anything at all, which will only have us out searching for something else. Many of us are never satisfied, and some of us don’t know that there is a better way to live. I was one of those people, constantly searching for “things” that would make me happy, things that would fulfill me, but I never ended up finding that “thing.” One disappointment would lead to the next. I learned the hard way that “The best things in life aren’t things.” I found out the hard way that if I go on with life making my own agenda, it will only lead to a dead end. I learned the hard way that life is a temporary assignment and that this isn’t my place of citizenship. I am 17 years old, but I have been living for only less than a year. I now consider myself living life but, only when God is living in me. The mindset that I once had was the mindset of a broken girl, and it certainly showed in my actions.

Eat, sleep, dream, “live,” basketball. Party, party, party and party some more. Respect others, do good deeds, smile a lot, make sure you look good because you never know who you might run into. Basketball is everything, keep a lot of friends, sit down relax. Let’s have a shot.. oh, okay fine let’s have a brew. Lies, failure, the search begins. Fulfillment at last, let down, search, fulfillment at last, breakdown. Acting, modeling, keep those grades up, money, shopping, hair, nails, party. Drink, smoke, but hey, slow down, no sex. Kissing, touching, loneliness occurs. And the search begins again. Fulfillment where are you, where can you be? Perhaps I’ll cross my fingers and hope I find you at this party. Morning after-- upset stomach, headache, hangover, emptiness. Searching begins once again. “If this isn’t life then what is?”

            I thought I was living life to the fullest. I did everything everyone else was doing. I listened to songs and let them degrade women, and define what it was like to live. I watched television and saw what I was supposed to look like. When I saw I didn’t look that way, I tried to look that way by doing dangerous things that would harm my body, later creating insecurities. I would keep a lot of friends, and I would remain popular throughout my years. When things would go wrong, I’d repeat, “It’s life.” To make a long story short, I thought I was living. I thought that every single thing listed in paragraph two was life in a nutshell. I frequently got upset and confused. I didn’t understand why I was “living,” yet felt so bad. Things that I wanted would end or get taken away. I became so confused and hurt that a few times I considered ending my life myself. I was completely and totally broken. Looking back on how I spent 17 years of my life, it depresses me and disgusts me. But the only thing that matters now is I have been transformed. Many would not know just by looking at me. I am the same Erica Laree Morris, on the outside that is. On the inside there is a new me, a new mindset, a new heart, a new spirit. Transformed to the point where I don’t even recognize my old self. Often I question myself, “Did I really used to do that?” Looking back is a bittersweet thing. The bitterness comes from the fact that I was investing my limited time here on earth in all that stuff. The sweet feeling comes from the fact that I am saved. I am saved by His Grace through faith, and my journey has just begun.

            It is glorious knowing The Creator of The Universe longs to have a relationship with me, loves me so passionately despite the fact that I have turned away from him so many times. I have invested my time in what He does not agree with, but He still loves me unconditionally. He sent his one and only son to create that bridge that I can now walk across to experience life, feel His love, and, most importantly, have a relationship with Him. I have finally found what I have been looking for, taking me 17 years. I have finally found my passion, my life’s purpose, my Father, and without my Father I would not have been able to find myself. He makes me feel invincible, as if I can do absolutely anything. He makes me feel whole, and repeatedly, He makes me feel like I don’t need anything or anybody else. He took everything from me, and now He is my everything. He died for me, so now all I want to do is live for Him. The love I receive from Him never fails to bring tears to my eyes. His love, His ways, and His Grace are all hard to fathom. I believe that there is more to life then partying, investing time in trying to look a certain way, and idolizing things that will only lead me to brokenness and emptiness. I believe that the only was of experiencing true life is through Him. That is the only way.